| long and boring |
[26 Feb 2006|10:39pm] |
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music |
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how's it gonna be - third eye blind |
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Recently, I have become obsessed with fat dogs. I want a French Bulldog. They are just fatter versions of my dog, Johnny. It seems like fat dogs are more lovable. I don't know why. haha. Well, at the moment, I am not too sure of how things in my life are moving along. They are not bad; I cannot complain too much because I still have knowledge, my family, my friends, a job, shelter and food. Aside from these lovely necessities in life, I am absolutely confused. As of lately, I have no idea what I want to do with my life. For four semesters now, I was convinced that I wanted to be a social worker and that I enjoyed psychology. And now, four semesters later I realize that I don't want to study psychology anymore. Some people major in something because they love it and they can't see themselves doing anything else. That is not the case with me... I compromised. I love history, anthropology, psychology, criminal justice, little kids, animals and most especially the environment. I hate to say this.. but people have let me down so much in life that I don't feel like having a job that is devoted to helping people anymore. I'd rather help those who are incapable of voicing their opinion but are still as important as the next human being: animals and the environment. And then I think.. damn.. do I really want to study environmental science or animal science. I suck at science. Psychology is a science but its hypothetical constructs are nowhere near as hard to study as those in something like physics or biology or some other science subfield. I just realized now that psychology is the study of behavior. Don't get me wrong.. I am not a moron that did not know what the definition of psychology was. What I mean is .. that I might devote my life doing therapy.. I was thiking of being a caseworker and then I read these horror stories about how miserable and bitter caseworkers are and I think about how I would rather be in an occupation that I am in love with. That is when my focus shifts to me wanting to study history or anthropology. You embark in a quest of knowledge with these two fields. I think I love too many fields. I wish I could just pick one and I wish I could like people a whole lot more to be willing to devote my life in learning new ways on how to help them.. I think that my main goal in my career will be to help people rise out of poverty. If I could do that, then damnit, I say that my life mission is fulfilled. Poverty, my friends, is the most evil thing in this universe that compels people to do evil things and lead wicked lives. It just makes me so fucking sad to see so many people lead a meaningless life. Life is so short. I wish people could appreciate life more.. but many people can't because they are too busy trying to survive :/ Damn you money!... haha. and yet nothing is possible without money. I hate money. If i could eradicate it and make this world free, I would. I would have a utopia where people could just love knowledge and animals and nature and each other.. i guess. I used to lean towards socialism for a long time. Then I started seeing how people living in socialist countries are even more brainwashed than people in cults. Freedom of fucking thought is limited and that is just a major disappointment.. well, nothing can be perfect i guess. People in general love power so much... anyway, I don't even know why I went off on this tangent. Perhaps it is because I think about the perils of poverty and injustice and revolution so damn much. Those are the things I philosophize about the most.. As far as thinking philosophicaly about life.. I have decided that I although I don't like the idea of organized religion, I enjoy going to church. One of the reasons for this is that one moment when the priest says:now give each other the sign of peace. It sounds stupid but I swear that once the priest says that, there is instant love in the room. It really is peaceful and relaxed. That is my favorite moment in church. I don't even listen to the sermon or anything like that. I need to learn about the Bible one day... I have also decided that I really hope there is an afterlife. I don't want death to be the end. If it is, then oh well, I cannot do anything about it because I will cease to exist... Another thing I have realized is that sometimes no matter how much you love somebody, you have to let them go if don't love you back. Once they are confused about their feelings for you then that is it. the end.. at least, that is how it worked out for me.. Yet again, being without my lover has not yet hit me. It may take a long time. For those six months that I wasn't with him, I didn't move on at all. I still held on to my love for him. This time, I am determined to just let it go. He is moving halfway across the country in six months. I am determined to let my romantic love for him change into a friendship love. I don't think it will be possible because after all he was my first love. What makes me so sad is that I saw myself being with him forever. I didn't want to meet new people and experience the "different flavors in life." Whatever the hell that means! I wanted to do everything with him and now that we have parted for good this time, I wonder if I will ever meet someone that can love me and not run away every time I mess up. I just hope that there is.... Hope, hope, hope.... and that is it for this ridiculously long entry. I doubt anybody is going to read this in completion and if you do, then I genuinely thank you for displaying interest.
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| at last, an update |
[04 Feb 2006|12:24am] |
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Death Cab |
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By request of Miss Jessica, I am going to now make an update on my life. I thought I was done updating forever but I guess I might as well post what has been going on lately... School is going pretty good. I am actually beginning to like my major. If I don't become a social worker then I am definitely going to go into Experimental Psychology or anything with psychology that does not have to do with therapizing people. I think I will be awful with that. I guess I'm good at listening but I never know what the hell to say. Aside from school, I started working out. It's a lot of fun. The only thing with that is that I still have a largely unhealthy diet. I'm trying to eat more healthy foods but i think I am addicted to fast foods. haha. Today, for example, I went to the gym and worked out for 35 minutes. I only ate an orange and grapes. Then as soon as I got home I ate pasta along with 2 chocolate bars. Later in the night, I went to barnes and noble and bought a strawberry milkshake. Afterwards, I went to Wendy's and bought some nuggets. haha. I am such a glutton! I really hate it. I wish I could be addicted to healthy foods. That would be superb... WEll, my wisdom teeth are fully grown and ready to be pulled. I doubt that that is going to happen until May. Hopefully, I will be able to withstand the pain until then... I tried applying to different jobs and not a single company has yet called. Looks like I might be staying at Old Navy for yet another couple of months. It's not a bad job. The main disadvantage is the new rule they passed last year of only being able to qualify for a raise once a year. That means that my raise isn't coming until june. This means that after being there for 2 years, i only make 28 cents more than I started with.. I really have to get my priorities together. I haven't even started volunteering like I wanted to. =( As everybody already knows, me and Kenny got back together on December 25. Many people don't agree with us having gotten back together and think negative things of me. Maybe their views aren't so wrong after all. The thing is that I don't care what they think. We are happy now and that is what counts... Tomorrow I am getting my car oil changed. It has been 7 months since the last one. I was supposed to change it about 4 months ago. haha. I am super irresponsible. Well, I'm going to go listen to Death Cab for Cutie now. Listen to them right now.. they're great!!
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| update on life. |
[08 Nov 2005|08:18pm] |
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music |
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first breath after coma - explosions in the sky |
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Since it's been forever that I've updated, maybe I will do this now. I'm not really liking 3 of my classes this semester. Maybe next semester will be better? I notice that I write my best papers when under massive amounts of stress. However, the toll it takes on me the following day hardly makes it seem worthwhile. My interests now include: social democracy, playing tennis, hanging out with my somewhat newly acquired college friends. I wish I could keep in touch better with the old ones like Jaime and Mariely and countless others. Since the time of the last update, I have gotten into a car accident, cause my insurance to inflate, quit my mentoring job and expanded my availability at Old Navy. The one significant thing I've done in the past month is probably doing the river clean-up on Saturday. MMM. Then not much else. I think I have come to the conclusion that alcohol and smoking and doing other drugs are not for me. I think that stage is over. Last but not least, I've learned that all you really have.. is yourself. The end.
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| i'm timeless like a broken watch |
[03 Oct 2005|07:56pm] |
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interpol - antics |
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At this moment, I should be doing my paper for Native Latin Americans. This is the kind of paper that has a really interesting subject matter. What's even better is that it is a subject that I am really fond of: the Incas. But, my procrastination has reached a pinnacle. Last week, I had a five page paper to write and I didn't start it until midnight the night before. Today, it seems that I will be facing the same dilemma. The paper is due tomorrow and I have not yet begun it. The thing is, I know everything about this subject matter but I have to include all these stupid citations in the paper and blahblah.. To further explain my procrastination, I will describe the events that took place this afternoon. I came home at 4 and fell asleep. I never fall asleep and today, I just laid down in bed and slept. Mind you, I slept for 9 consecutive hours the prior night (this never happens either). Then, when I woke up at 5, I started to do the laundry and I cleaned the house. At this point in time, I could have started my paper but I didn't feel like it. So instead, I studied for my Statistics quiz on thursday. I am proud of myself because I finally mastered standard deviation within a sample and deviation. Then I cleaned the house again and here I am at 8 PM, updating... Well, I was in the mood to update regardless. My life seems to be going pretty well. Lately, I have been watching Latin American cinema. And well, if you know anything about this, it is that they portray life as it is: sad, raw, unromanticized. Well, I saw this movie called "Voces Inocentes." It's about a little boy who lived during the Civil War in El Salvador in the 80s. The military was fighting the guerilla forces. In his little town, the military would come and take 12 + year old boys away from their homes. Need I say more? The movie was heartbreaking. It's based on a true story. Just thinking that made me cry like I haven't cried in months. IT got me thinking about how lucky and undeserving I am. No matter how shitty life is, at least I am here, in this country full of opportunities, completing my mission (whatever it happens to be). Also, I have my parents which despite their major flaws, love me unconditionally. It's really unusual that this movie put so many things in perspective for me (at least, more than before)... Aside from that, I've had a desire to travel. I don't know if I should go to California or Peru. No matter what, I'm going somewhere. But in order to do that, I have to start saving which implies working more. Saving is sooo hard!!! I always get the feeling that I am going to eventually move to Peru again. If that happens, everyone should come and visit. My home is here in America, but my heart will always be in Peru. Peru is my love. I sound like such a fob. hah. I don't care, I speak the truth. Okay, now I am done rambling.
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[20 Sep 2005|07:35am] |
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tu eres mi religion - mana |
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It's really odd running on four and a half hours of sleep. I went to bed at 12:30 and got up at five. I will be awake until 1 am tonight because me and naps never work out. If I were to dream, I would make a much better attempt to take naps. Maybe even take a medicine that would knock me out. I saw a Waking Life and the boy from the movie has these crazy philosophical dreams. My dreams are just stupid as hell. Not even worth narrating. They are like excerpts of what could be in my life if I just let myself go. I know it sounds interesting, but I guess those were just a bunch of pretty words bunched together because in reality, my dreams are stupid. I don't know why I am rambling about this. My mom is casting glances in my direction. I think she wants me to clean but I know that if I am to start cleaning, she'll say "you thought of helping me too late.. get out of my face." My mom in the morning is the scariest mom one can ever encounter. She curses, yells, throws things because she has to cook. One morning, I should just get up at 5 am and cook so that she can spare us her tamper tantrums. I'm not saying I am not grateful to her for making so many sacrifices. The thing is that she is always mad. She's mostly bitter, yet not completely. Around her, that ASOB quote always lingers in my mind: "Everyone i love always hates me." I know she's just pissed off. I really don't ever want to be like that. This quality of hers, though, is what makes her so strong. My mom is such a tough lady. I always think she should have been a lawyer. However, she is way too self-righteous. I've never met a more self-righteous person in my life. She is always right, always the victim. Everybody else, including her children, have formed a conspiracy against her and are selfish. haha. It's just so funny admitting this. She is always like this, every morning. At night, she's my cool mom that listens to classic rock and likes liberal politics. Talk about being bi-polar. I'm just kidding about the latter statement, I realize I am a psychology major and should not use these terms loosely. But yea.. some days, she will stay pissed for days. today is a good day because i know she will come home in possibly a good mood.. Oh man, she intrigues me.. Anyway, the reason I woke up so damned early today was to do my computer homework. Most of it was severely plagiarized. I've never done that in my life. This was a report on HTML. It was long and boring and futile. Now that it's over, I still have fifteen minutes before having to take a shower. I can't eat breakfast until after my mom leaves the kitchen because our kitchen is the size of a box... Today is going to be a long day. I have classes from 10 AM to 5:15. It is as long as a day in high school .All last year, I missed the shit out of high school. Be it because I missed my friends or the good life, who knows? Now, I rarely think of it. Or the memories. To fuck with nostalgia. If one keeps looking forward and stops digging into the past, life becomes much easier to manage. I'm in one of those moods where I look forward to my day. Later on, I'll probably be sulking in my bed listening to Mana and thinking about the mysteries of life, love, other people and the world in general. I want to major in philosophy. Or more specifically, I want to learn about existentialism. My desire was truly reinforced after watching "A WAking Life." I've always liked it, ever since I was first introduced to my hero Vonnegut. Now, I am more curious than ever. I wish my school taught a course on that where you don't need any prerequisites. Hmm. Whatever, then.. Okay. I have 10 more minutes until 8. I might as well start getting ready.
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[14 Sep 2005|01:45pm] |
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mood |
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discontent |
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music |
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dispatch |
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Right now, I'm listening to Dispatch but I'm thinking of a Sarah McLachlan song.
It goes something like this, I mean there's more to the song but this is the nicest part:
"and I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
but I have the sense to recognize
that I don't know how
to let you go
I don't know how
to let you go
a glowing ember
burning hot
burning slow
deep within I'm shaken by the violence
of existing for only you"
It's so weird that every time I update, it's always about that special someone that no longer plays a part in my life. Or correction, it's about that special someone whose memory is ever present in my mind. Yet, he's moved on, is the happiest he's ever been even has a new best friend. Now that I come to think of it, I miss my best friend the most. I opened up to him more than anyone else. IT was the real me, all the time. He saw the best, he saw the worst; he experienced all the raw emotions that I never showed to anyone else. I keep thinking that fate will bring us together one day. But I know that it is highly unlikely because like I mentioned, he's moved on with his life and I still don't know how to let go . It's been three months since we've been together and I still feel like it's day one of the breakup. Okay, well, this was stupid. I'm going to make it my goal to just stop feeling like it's day one and proceed to day two and three... and just move on.
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[04 Sep 2005|02:19am] |
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folk then emo.. and jeff buckley |
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Here's to 2 am livejournal updates. I will be going to sleep within the next 20 minutes and waking up in about 6 hours. I sometimes wish I could have one of those days where I have the house all to myself. No Johnny, even. This way, I can sleep as late as I want, I wont' have to clean and I don't have to bother feeding myself or anyone else. Tonight is one of those lonely nights one so often experiences when they question love and life and life after love. Right now, I am listening to a strange rendition of House of the Rising Sun. Too much folk music for one night. If there are some kids that really want to die, they shouldn't listen to emo, they should listen to folk music. My god, I want to cry just listening to these peoples' sad voices... Okay, now I am friends with Bob Dylan. I was very sad before and suddenly I'm not. I feel extremely indifferent. But I know that as soon as my head touches the pillow, I'm going to feel like shit. I just feel really confused about my life right now and how I always let my weaknesses get the best of me. Always. I will be in Sussex County in about 10 hours. I'm really quite excited. Be with my family. In Peru, I learned how to value my family. I don't think I've ever loved them this much. I finally learned to accept my mom's bad temper. I just let her yell at me now because I know that if I fight back, she will overreact and I don't want to make myself upset by feeling sorry for myself for having been yelled at. My dad is just a cool laid back guy who also has a bad temper and takes it out on me. My brother.... is just an awesome awesome kid who asks really annoying questions. haha.. Last night, I went to Khris' frat party. My first one. I drank some. I was highly buzzed. I realized how ridiculous I am by leeching onto people like I always do, especially boys. Yes, I guess you can call this a mini-confession update. In conclusion: I suck.... Right now, I have been up for 20 hours and before that I had only taken a 3 hour nap. I'm exhausted. I think the monitor is hurting my eyes. All I want to do is listen to Bob Dylan and Third Eye Blind. That's all. WEll, and i would really like for the house to be empty.. okay, this was the worst rant ever. i'll write again when i am more coherent.
oh, and i was wrong about having moved on and being able to be with someone new.wrongwrongwrong from now on, i am not going to make stupid assumptions like this about myself.
"I want so badly to believe that there is truth, that love is real
And I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd"
now i am singing the postal service.. now, i am done with this shit and going to bed.
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[14 Aug 2005|04:08pm] |
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c mere - interpol |
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i forgot to mention some things that i just thought about now.
this is a continuation to yesterday´s post.
16. i went horseback riding.
17. i took pictures with llamas.
18. i made friends with tourists from around the world.
right now, i am at a much less ghetto internet place. i have 10 minutes left to write. i want to explore the world with pauline. i want to eat a candy. i think i will. i want the boy to tell me what he feels for me. ahh. well, 4 more days and i am back in jersey. might as well treasure the time and stop being online.
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| very long time without updating |
[13 Aug 2005|05:12pm] |
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peaceful |
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interpol. then bloc party. then no doubt. |
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Right now, i am sitting in an internet cafe. The smell of car exhaust and cigarettes infiltrates this place. lima is one polluted place. now some asshole with his motorcycle is going at like 70 miles per hour on a main street. what the fuck is wrong with people.. there are only 5 more days left until i come back to new jersey. it feels a little surreal that i am here in peru in the first place. i feel like i have finally enjoyed myself. being independent with your own money that you have earned most diligently is something that makes you feel so fucking good. i even feel the need to curse in order to express this. so far, this summer, i
1. visited cusco.
2. made friends with some of the natives.
3. saw condors in flight.
4. went to nightclubs that played really terrible dance music.
5. went to nightclubs and danced to salsa.
6. drank ridiculous amounts of beer, whiskey, wine, and pisco.
7. tried at least 15 new drinks.
8. bonded with my family.
9. realized that i really love my dad and no longer feel resentment towards him.
10. realized that the relationship i had with my significant other always had its flaws and i am not the terrible human being i thought i was.
11. realized i can allow myself to be with someone new.
12. want to explore as much of the world as i can before i finish college.
13. saw the most beautiful landscapes i have ever seen in my whole life. the andes mountains. the wonders that my ancestors, the incas, had constructed.. i am in love with peru.
14. can go out whenever the fuck i want to get a drink. what a fucking luxury.
15. finally realized i am friends with an amazing group of people.
all in all, it has been one fuck of a summer. i think i realize now that my life is going in the right direction and i intend to keep it that way. thank you to kenny for letting me know that there is a whole world out there without you. maybe you breaking up with me was the best thing you could have done for me. you were my world, i loved you with the utmost intensity. you broke my heart. you made me a lot damn stronger... i definitely have matured. jaime was right. in a relationship, two people need to grow. i am glad that at least i grew up.. well, now my internet time is up. back to my cousins home is where i go to now. it is getting dark. i miss cusco. i wish i could explore more of my beautiful country.. there will be time for that in the future now.
and now i must quote streetlight.
... sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me..
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[23 Jul 2005|11:44pm] |
Oh, attachment, how I despise you! I think I may have developed a headache from overanalyzing everything so much. Just this morning I was so excited that I was going to Peru and now it doesn't seem to make a difference. I'm sure I will feel differently once I arrive there. I'm scared about the plane ride in a way. I've had countless adventures the past month that I can't even describe all of them. I just want to tell everyone that I don't think I have a curfew anymore. Lately, I've been coming home at 2 am to find an empty first floor. My mom finally gave up on waiting downstairs for me. I also did something extremely spontaneous: I went to see Weezer and TAking Back Sunday in concert when a friend called me 3 hours prior to the concert. They were wonderful.. Then, I saw the City in all its beauty for the first time. I love Chinatown. I love St. Marc's. I'm enamored with the city. I know that living in the city is highly romanticized but I still want to live there one day. Oh, and thank you to Ben for taking me to that restaurant. The noodles were awesome, I'd clean the plate out with chopsticks again. Wow. To think I had so much I wanted to write.
What doesn't kill me will only make me stronger.
I guess this has proven true for me. Thank you to anyone who's tried to break me, whether it has been accidental or intentional, you have made me a much stronger person. Oh, and about falling in love? The shit doesn't exist. What does it even mean. It's just exploited by literature and the media and is also highly romanticized. So fuck that.
Wish me a happy trip to Peru. I'll miss everyone, even the kids I don't hang out with too often.
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[23 Jul 2005|11:24am] |
To be lost in the forest
To be cut adrift
You've been trying to reach me
You bought me a book
To be lost in the forest
To be cut adrift
I've been paid
I've been paid
Don't get offended
If I seem absent minded
Just keep telling me facts
And keep making me smile
Don't get offended
If I seem absent minded
I get tongue-tied
Baby, you've got to be more discerning
I've known never known what's good for me
I will be yours
I'll pay for you anytime
You told me you wanted to eat up my sadness
Well jump on, enjoy, you can gorge away
You told me you wanted to eat up my sadness
Jump right on
Baby, you've got to be more discerning
I've known never known what's good for me
Baby, you've got to be more demanding
I will be yours
What are you holding out for?
What's always in the way?
Why so damn absent-minded?
Why so scared of romance?
This modern love breaks me
This modern love wastes me
Do you wanna come over and kill some time?
Tell me facts, tell me facts, tell me facts
Tell me facts
Throw your arms around me
Being with you has made me feel so alive. When I hear this song, my heart beats rapidly and I can't help but smile and think of you.I will miss you so much and the thought of you will be a constant in my mind.
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[04 Jul 2005|12:41am] |
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everything i once had - the honorary title |
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*I'll always love you, no matter what*
Those are the words he wrote to me sometime in April of 2004. IT's funny how forever only lasted for another year. But with me, I think I mean it. I will always love him. No matter how much he's wronged me. I love him. Today. Tomorrow. MAybe until theday I die. Don't confuse this with me wanting to get together with him again. That is not the case. A preson needs dignity and that is something I would like to maintain. This past month I've been repressing all our happy memories. And today, as I sat in the sun watching a little ant struggle to carry a tiny amount of food, thoughts rushed through my head. Us when we first met courtesy of Cihan. Us when we kissed for the first time. Us in his bed looking at each other and holding each other. Us laughing about things nobody else would get. US having that final kiss that meant everything to me and nothing but lust to him. If only there was something I could have done to keep it alive.. But, alas.. this love is dead.. and soon, I will be dead to him even as a friend....
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[02 Jul 2005|01:10am] |
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i will be there- gentleman |
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Everytime you need me, I will be there, right there, i swear.
I always have to take my little hiatus' from livejournal. Most of the time I just want to post the most intense, personal thoughts that I have and then soon realize that it would be a mistake. So, let's just say this is a PG version. Of course, that is the case for everybody. I don't think anybody would reveal anything in this journal. I miss writing. I must take that up again. I have been really busy lately. I finally started my second job last week. For anybody who doesn't know and is curious as to what I am doing, it is mentoring. I work for the Youth Advocate Program in Paterson. I basically take kids who are from troubled homes and such and take them out. It's a bit like babysitting, I guess. I don't really profit from it. As a matter of fact, this entire week I was stressing the fuck out because I have like no money after paying the bills. I'm quitting Old Navy on July 22. Three days after that, it's good-bye America and hello Peru. I am so excited. I feel like I should be studying the history of Peru because I definitely do not know enough about it. I just want to learn the culture of every country. This semester I have to go declare my minor which is going to be History. I love history. Especially the Civil War and World War II. I wonder if anybody knew about that.. I'm really excited to take some history courses. Ahh. I can't wait to start class again. hehe. Sociology at PCCC finally finished. I'm glad. I was tired of getting up every morning at 7:45. The next three weeks will be dedicated to friends and work and working out. I hope so. Also, I am trying to read the Fountainhead by Ayn rand. I think that book might be travelling with me to Peru.. Right now, I am thinking about anarchy. Why does everyone think that anarchy just means chaos. IT's so much more. It's living in harmony, if anything. Self-government. The perfect life, I would say. Anarchy applied to real life equals chaos. I love how people think they are anarchists. If you live in America, you are a capitalist, not an anarchist!! Damnit. I just get so annoyed with these trendy fucks.. Okay, enough about anarchy.. That just popped into my head out of nowhere.. I've also been thinking how lucky many of us are. When you think you are disadvantaged, just remember, a poor person living in America is no comparison to a poor person living in a low-income country. And don't call a low-income country a third world country or I will kick your ass! I don't know why I am being so bitchy right now.. Society bothers me.. I just want to be a hermit and think and write and read and .... etc.. okay.. i think i need some sleep.. I definitely don't get enough of it.. I just want to say one last thing.. It's great to have friends who care so deeply about me. I love my friends.
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[18 Jun 2005|12:50am] |
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kings of leon |
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Since the last update, one event has shaped my life. the collapse of the love i thought would always last. High School Football Heroes have it right. Nothing ever works out in the end.. So, since most people probably know what I am talking about, there is no need to write about it... Just two days ago, I got a 28 cent raise. I felt extremely cheated. After a year of hard work, I get a pathetic raise. On the flip side, I start my mentorship job on Monday. Today I met the mothers of the two little girls I'll be mentoring. Their houses are disheveled. Very poor areas in Paterson. This means that I will be finally be quitting Old Navy. I have established a bond with my co-workers. I will miss them. Working there has let me become much more open-minded with all types of people from all walks of life. WE are a diverse bunch. Hmm. Today I slept for four hours. I actually cooked. My meal turned out to be a disaster but was nonetheless edible which kept me content. Today also proved to be eventful because I hung out with my old buddy Luis that I haven't seen in a year or so. I love catching up with people. I will make it a priority to hang out with my friends from the past... I think my teeth are turning yellow! It's scaring me. Instead of brushing my teeth three times a day, it's gonna become four. Hah. Well, tomorrow is Streetlight Manifesto. I am so excited. Me and my little bro sang STreetlight songs all afternoon. Next show, I will most definitely take him, for the kid is a true fan. For the past two weeks, I've been chillin' with the ladies : Jaime, Mel, Anna, Jess, Melina <3. I have to see if me and Mariely can ever see each other. I really love my friends and I don't know what I'd do without them. Too bad almost all are going back to school this fall. . Only one month until I leave to Peru. I miss the old country. I'll keep this brief. I just wanted to let people know that I'm not dead.
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[17 May 2005|11:48pm] |
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everything ever made by the postal service and death cab |
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Summer is the month of melancholy feelings. Me da ganas de celebrar con mis amigos. Porque? Because today, when I logged on to WEss I was able to see my grades and to my surprise, I did really good. I got A's in 4 classes and 1 A-. Now the GPA is a 3.8 and it will have to be maintained if I want to go to the grad school of my dreams. My mom was proud and I told her that I definitely work well under pressure. I had two jobs, a boyfriend who didn't love me and my parents constantly thinking that I was anorexic. For once, I think I am damn proud of myself. I wish this feeling would last forever. This semester was so hectic. I had a million emotional breakdowns and I really hope I don't have to go through it again. I really wish I had a subtle way with words... I noticed there hasn't been an update in a very long time. I don't even know how much has happened in my life lately that I want to bring up. Nothing exciting or tragic. The last good thing that happened was that on Saturday was my little brother's communion party. I loved my family that day so much. IT was such a Peruvian fest with ridiculous amounts of food and Peruvian music from the 60s and a lot of love. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry because I don't recall the last time I felt so good. Anyway, at 4 o'clock in the afternoon on that Saturday I had to leave to work and I felt guilty the whole way there. My mom said that soon after I left my aunt, her husband and her two friends left. The guilt increased. But, what's done is done and that day was absolutely beautiful. When I go to Peru, I will never want to leave. I never realized how important my family is to me. More than friends, more than boyfriends, more than anything. I wish we were all together again. Sometimes I wish I could move back to Peru but then I realize how life is so good over here in the US. And the feeling fades... I've begun to build a resume. I'm finally ready to quit Old NAvy. Working retail there is a horrible experience that I hope I can soon get out of. I mean, it's not that bad. It's just very depressing when you know all your friends are having fun or relaxing at home and you're working like a fucking dog for chump change. That is what this semester was like... Okay, so back to the resume. I want to work as a mentor for kids in paterson and at the Adult Opportunity Center working with people with Cerebral Palsy. Let's hope that works out... Bye for now
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[11 May 2005|12:09pm] |
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relaxed |
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Interpol - Evil |
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Ahh. It feels really good to have finals over and done with. I think my sociology class at PCCC starts May 23. I may have a whole week of relaxation. Yesterday, I told the boss I could extend my availability since I don't have 5 classes anymore and he looked delighted. This scares me because I don't want it to be a repeat of last summer where I worked 30 hours a week. Anyway, that place sucks but I really don't let it get to me anymore. I still get the rich white ladies who talk to me like I am stupid and the black ladies who try to play receipt fraud and I can't do a damn thing about it. What are you going to do, right? Well, thanks to my mami, I have the opportunity to work with little kids in Paterson. It's basically a youth advocacy program which is perfect because that is kind of what I want to dedicate my life to. I'm really nervous about it though because you have to write a resume and then they interview you and all that jazz. Plus, I'm probably also going to be working with kids who are older than 14 and I know I'll be intimidated since that is an age close to mine. I have to fax this resume by Friday so I could get interviewed next week. That means I have to buy nice clothes and new shoes. Speaking of which, my checkered Vans ripped. I looked at them in the mirror and they are just filthy. My mom says not even poor people use such filthy shoes. haha. But it's kind of hard to just throw them away or give them up, you know what i mean? They have been through so much with me. It's kind of symbolic of a really good time in my life all throughout last year. I mean, this semester sucked so much, I can't emphasize it. Maybe I should get new converses again or new pumas. I don't know.. Now that classes are over, I'm kind of sad because this semester (although it sucked) really fulfilled me intellectually. I learned so much about the influence of the West on our culture beginning with ancient Greece to the end of the Italian Renaissance. Also, I learned so much in my Intro to Film class that I can't even name all of it. I've now become obsessed with Hitchcock and film noirs. Can't wait to see Kiss Me Deadly (1954 film noir). Even College Writing II, as corny as it was, became sort of a challenge because of the difficult topics that professor gave us. The other two classes were just a fucking waste of time and it pisses me off thta I was actually required to take them: mythology and speech. Ugh. I'm glad that's over. I really hope my GPA doesn't go down. My cousin Roger says that in order to get into a really good grad school, my GPA has to be above a 3.7. -____- I'll try but who knows what may happen. I know that this summer I'm going to watch a lot of classic cinema and re-read some classic books like Great Gatsby and Catcher in the Rye. But for now, I'm just gonna take a shower to avoid being dirty.
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[26 Apr 2005|10:51pm] |
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Life is so miserable. I couldn't even cheer up when playing Pictionary. Thanks to those of you who show me that you do care, I really appreciate it.
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[25 Apr 2005|10:13pm] |
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 worried |
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young pilgrims - the shins |
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Oh, man. I feel like I have placed myself in a conundrum. Currently in my speech class, we have all been assigned a group project which is worth 20 % of the grade. For our topic, we chose alcohol. For some reason, I let everybody in the group pick easy topic about alcohol such as: underage drinking, prohibition and cultural aspects of alcohol on society, drunk driving, history of alcohol and effects of alcohol on the body. That leaves me with what? What on earth else can there be discussed about alcohol that will deliver a 7 - 8 minute speech. I am freaking out right now. I have this pending sense of doom. Since I am obsessed with my grades I know I will work relentlessly until this comes out perfect. In the meantime,I am slowly driving myself down a cliff. Tomorrow my mid-process draft is also due on a documented essay with a works cited list. I feel like dropping out of college. These two damn things want to make me leave school forever. As it turns out, now I might be going to Peru in August because my family in Peru only has time for us in August. Also since the trip is rather costly I will be staying there for about 3 - 4 weeks which does not alow me to spend that time with my friends. that makes me really sad. I also wanted to spend July 28 (peruvian independence day) over there. Well, since i'll probably be here that day you can all expect me to wear a shirt that says "Te Amo Peru." hehe. Well, in other news, I actually saw my buddy Khris today that I haven't seen in a long time. We talked and he showed me his frat wounds. Poor kid. Who knew that a frat pledging could affect grades? I also talked to Jess over the phone and actually talked to Francesco whom I haven't heard from in a milenia... I must say, the little time that I do get to spend with my friends, I am genuinely thankful for. <3 Now I really must do this shit otherwise I will never get those As that I want.
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[22 Apr 2005|09:58am] |
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depressed |
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damien rice |
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Here is the schedule for the fall. I look forward to it because I don't look forward to summer. It was supposed to be the best summer of my life with my best friend and now it's not. Strange how you can think you know what's going on and things turn for the worst. I love you, Kenny. And I mean that with the utmost sincerity.
Can't take my eyes off you
Can't take my mind off you
I've been listening to Damien Rice with unnecessary urgency. He is a depressing fellow. Right now, depression is my new best friend. Right now, I have to type a paper and I cannot concentrate. I'm leaving to Peru from June 21 to August 11. My goal is to learn how to dance and I hope to God this comes true.
PSYC-224-01
CHILDREN'S RIGHTS/CHILD ADVOCACY TF 04:00-05:15PM
DI 276 Normal Academic Term
09-07-05 to 12-22-05 STAFF 3.00 13464 NORMAL GRADE RULES
SPAN-241-02
FUNDAMENTALS OF SPANISH GRAMMAR TR 01:00-02:15PM
PA 118 Normal Academic Term
09-07-05 to 12-22-05 SOTO, VALENTIN 3.00 13746 NORMAL GRADE
CMPT-109-23
INTRO CMPT APP:FLUENT W/INFO TEC T 02:30-03:45PM
RI 108 Normal Academic Term
09-07-05 to 12-22-05 ANTONIOU, GEORGE 3.00 10632 NORMAL GRADE RULES
GNED-202-05
CONTEMP ISS II:NATIONAL ISSUES M 01:00-02:15PM
DI 172 Normal Academic Term
09-07-05 to 12-22-05 RODRIGUEZ-SREDNICKI, OFELIA 3.00 11535 NORMAL GRADE RULES
PSYC-220-03
QUANT METHODS IN PSYCHOLOGY T 10:00-11:40AM
DI 282 Normal Academic Term
09-07-05 to 12-22-05 SIRIN, SELCUK 4.00 13459 NORMAL GRADE RULES
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[20 Apr 2005|06:43pm] |
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So, anyway. I'm in the a really bad mood right now. Not surprising at all. I'm a real asshole when it comes to me being stuck at work or home when other people are having fun. That's the dilemma right now. Such a beautiful day and I'm sitting here. I mean, I could start my English paper but I'm so disgusted with school, I don't really want to think about it. I did my schedule today and it did not go as planned, AT ALL. It's quite depressing because I don't even want to take half of those classes. But, I decided one important thing today and that is that I am going to apply to the Justice Studies school. Perhaps I will double major it with Psychology or just switch altogether. I realize that I don't think I'm cut out to be a psychologist. Perhaps less counseling and a little more action which is where law comes in. And since our system is already corrupt, maybe I can try to make things a little better. I know, I am an idealist. Since I want to do Justice Studies now, I have to work on Rhetoric. My speeches suck hard and I don't think I can persuade anybody about anything. I'm so clueless about where to go in life. Not to mention, when I take my classes next semester, that will be the end of general education classes. I need to start thinking about where I'm going to go in life. I'm getting really scared now. I wish I would just love Psychology like other Psychology majors do. But I don't; therefore, now I'm frustrated and fucking miserable.. I really miss Kenny. I was being a dick on the phone but it's only cause I was jealous that he's going to have fun with someone else and not me. Get my drift? Jealousy is the dumbest feeling that exists and it's stupid because we should feel happy when other people are having fun. Am I full of shit or what? Yea, I'm selfish and yea, I suck but you know what, as long as the feeling is temporary, then it can't be all that bad. I'm no longer annoyed or in a bad mood. I think I'm just really stressed out because I don't know where I am going in life and because I don't know any new good music. That really depresses me too. I talk to my friends and they know so many new good bands meanwhile I'm still listening to the same shit I was listening to a year ago. The feeling of being unwanted always lingers within me. Shit, I feel really lonely right now and aimless. Telos = zero.
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